June 10th, 2003

There's a couple really short ones and a couple really long ones today. Sit tight and enjoy.

Keep e-mailing us at sillychillyman@myself.com. We love hearing from you.

Carla writes: Where is your MIDI music? Can you send it to me?

Ice replies: It's not on the site yet ... sit tight though, I'm working on it. Slowly.

Andres writes: When does Tetras Trackers come out?

Ice replies: I'm not sure. For those of you who don't know, there are a couple little Game Cube disks with some Zelda stuff coming out ... nothing to get too excited about.

Link Æwondåslåmon writes: I was just kidding in my last letter (please don't shoot). In this letter I want to prove why Zelda is meant to marry Link (me), and why no other girl can ever touch him.

First off, Nintendo have already approved, whay back in the good ol' days, that Link and Zelda fancies each others.

Lets start with my favorite generation of Link and Zelda, the one from the original games for the NES, back in the good ol' 80's.

There's a clear proof when Link and Zelda actually kisses after Link has awaken that ancient princess from her slumber. Also, in all books, comics and cartoons back then there were evidences that they love each others!

My favorite comment from that time: "Well, excuuuuse me, princess."

Let's jump forwards to my third favorite generation of Link and Zelda (not included those from the oracle games), the generation of Link and Zelda from LttP. In the SNES version of the game Link's uncle says "Zelda is your...," before he dies. There's been lots of speculations on what he was going to say. Some have suggested sister, but they have just seen too much Star Wars. In the Japanese version of the game he says, "Zelda is your destiny..." Don't that prove something?

Then comes LA. Some fans out there thinks that Link loves Marin ONLY because she loves him. They can't be thinking straight, 'cause if Link had loved Marin he wouldn't have tried to leave Koholint. Furthermore, it's only an illusion; everything and everyone except Link, the owl, the Wind Fish and the Nightmares are nothing but an illusion, a dream. When Link was in that storm in the beginning he thought that he would die. Therefore he must've thought of Zelda. Marin was a reflection of Zelda, though she's not as tomboyish. That's why he at first thought that she was Zelda.

The next is my least favorite generation of Link and Zelda (mainly because of the realistic graphics). Also in OoT there's proves. When Link rescues Princess Ruto and she ask Link if he's searching for Zelda, he deny it. Why would he deny it if he doesn't love her. And, well, someone once claimed that sages can't marry anyone (he must've misunderstood something that Ruto said), and therefore Link can't marry Zelda, which I think is pretty silly. First of all, they're not sages after Link has closed the Door of Time. Second, Zelda is the only heir to the throne, and therefore she has to marry someone. Third, say what you want, but Laruto is a descendant of Ruto. There's other proves in that game as well, but I'll move on to the next official game that feautures them both (the oracle games are not official).

In TWW there's a guy called Beedle (as you surely know) who travels around and sells stuff. About the same time as you discover Tetra's true identity, I think, he says something different. I can't really remember what he said, but it was something about Tetra. I think he used the word 'admirable' or 'adorable' to describe her. Then he notice that Link's face is blushing, and says something like, "Your face looks blashful. You cannot hide it from me. Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!" Well, I can't remember how many yuk's there were, but you get my point. Furthermore, when Link returns to Hyrule and discovers that Ganon has kidnapped Princess Zelda (again) Ganon talks to him. One of the things he says is, "I've kidnapped your precious Zelda." There's also something about the way King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule talks to Link and Zelda. It's as if he knows that they're in love. Someone might reject that thought and say that it's just normal that adults talks like that to children if they'r of different gender, but they have forgotten that King Daphnes is a Hylian (or elf, if you prefer) of pure blood and can see into the future. Well, that's was all for now. See ya!

And yes, I am a Link 'n' Zelda shipper. And no, I did NOT screw up Jabu-Jabu.

Ice replies: There is clear proof that Link and Zelda share a kiss or two in the comics and cartoons, but that isn't conclusive proof that they love each other. You can kiss someone without loving them. I happens, believe me. Also, their behavior, while some can interpret it as flirtatious, doesn't mean it is. For some people, there's a fine line between flirting and actual anger/annoyance.

In Zelda 3 ... assuming Link's Uncle was going to say "Zelda is your destiny", that doesn't really mean that they are destined to fall in love with each other. Zelda was Link's destiny because Link had to save her ... just like I-10 is my destiny because I'm going to drive on it tomorrow. You're right, it does prove something ... it proves that Link and Zelda are going to meet each other at some point in the game. Which they did.

You're right, if Link loved Marin then he wouldn't have made Koholint disappear. And you're probably right ... Marin is a reflection of Zelda.

I'm not sure I understand your next point. Princess Ruto asks Link if he's searching for Zelda, and he denies it? I don't really see how that's proof that Link loves Zelda. If anything, it's proof that he loves Ruto ... he doesn't want Ruto to think that there's "another woman". And you may be right about Laruto being a descendant of Princess Ruto ... that means that at some point, Princess Ruto reproduced. Since we don't know who she reproduced with, we can't say that it wasn't Link.

I'm not sure I can accept your Wind Waker proof, either. So what if Beedle calls Tetra adorable, and Link blushes? Maybe he fancies her, maybe he doesn't ... he's like 9 years old ... I think if he fancies anyone, it's that Great Fairy. She tells him that he's "her type of guy" or something, and his reaction is priceless.

Sorry if I was a little hard on you ... it was a great letter. You made some great points. A lot of what we're debating is hard to prove. It could go either way, really.

Thanks for the letter. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Drefan Rahl writes: Often I've laid awake at night, staring off into the stars wondering what the characters of the Legend of Zelda would sound like if they actually had voices. Ok, well I've never lost any sleep over it nor do I ever participate in an act as blatantly homosexual and pathetic as staring off into the sky merely to wonder about the utterings of a few elves.

The day I can get a blow job from a real life elf princess, I'll start worrying about those details, but then again, I don't need to hear her voice when she has her mouth around the most precious of my physical and earthly possessions. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about... you do. Don't you? Some of you? Sure, I know you do though you simply don't want to admit it.

But if there were elves out there, be it on our planet or another, and elven princesses, would they be like Santa's elves, the Hyrullian elves, Tolkien's elves, or would they be soul sucking, blood drinking demons with sharp, black teeth, pointy ears, clawed hands, nad beady black eyes filled with malicious intent? And if they were the latter, would you really want to risk sticking your manhood into its mouth (Remember the sharp teeth now)? Would they speak English? Would they speak in Ancient Japanese? Would they speak in a strange malevolent language thats soothing to the ears, but in truth contains explicatives unimaginable to the American mind and oozing with a haughty disdain for all that is good and just in the universe? The last query, of course, is referring to the French language as the Froggers are easily the most diabolical and at the same time most cowardly race ever to walk the world. Do you doubt me on this? Do you doubt the words of the great Imperial Master Drefan Rahl? Then watch the end of Kung Pow: Enter the Fist and you'll understand exactly what I'm saying...only the end, mind you. If you expose your sensitive minds to the full horrendous experience, they just might reach maximum overload, and blood could end up spurting out of your nose.

But more to the point, if there were elves out there, be they the mystical, magical kind we read about in Lord of the Rings or see in the Legend of Zelda or be they of the malicious space invader variety, lets assume that they could speak English (or Japanese) for the conundrum I'm posing. I feel it bears repeating that the conundrum is focused on what they sound like, because as we all know, elves simply have to give great BJs. What would they sound like again? Would they sound like Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith in the Matrix or perhaps you know him better as Elrond in Lord of the Rings), dark and brooding with the full air of maturity and intellectualism or would they sound like prepubescent teens, the clear and painfully obvious majority of this site's fan base? But if we did know the true speech patterns and vocal waves of a particular group of elves, how would we know if they sounded like Hyrullian elves? Its a question that will plague all Zelda fans, new and old until Nintendo bothers to put forth the effort in adding true voice overs to their games.

However, there is one bit of information relating to the voices of Hyrullian elves that I have long since discovered during my long journey for knowledge through the dark, brooding, forests of meaningless jibber jabber, pornography, and Quentin Tarantino fansites, and that is the long lost episodes of the Legend of Zelda cartoon series. They can easily be found on illegal file sharing programs like the inane and bizarre offspring of Napster (Morpheus and its lesbian lover Kazaa). These completely pointless and humiliatingly immature episodes provide some insight into what Link, Zelda, and Gannon might sound like if they were alcoholics afflicted with down syndrome. I must warn you, however, if you do happen to download these episodes, make sure you do focus only on the sounds emitted from the speakers and not the words themselves in addition to covering up the monitor. I once left a friend alone at my computer, and without informing me, he decided to play an episode of the old series without telling me and thus receiving the proper warnings. I returned to see the final credits rolling, and him lying facedown on the keyboard; blood was gushing from his ears and the empty sockets that used to house his eyes. Apparently, during the final agonizing moments before his brain exploded and leaked out of his ears, he managed to gouge out his own eyes; apparently he would have rather been blind than to have continued to look upon the world with such tainted vision. So remember to heed my advice well if you do happen to search this videos out for research purposes and I must stress, they are to be used for research purposes only; there is no entertainment value to be found in those horrific mpegs.

Yet, there is still no consistent proof pertaining to the nature of Hyrullian vocal patterns as the cartoon WAS made in the eighties and/or very early nineties, and as we all know, nothing made during that time bears much rememberance...even by Nintendo who apparently endorsed the pitifully short 13 episode series. Still, I would not despair. The episodes provide some starting ground for conjecturing as to the true nature of Link's and Zelda's voices. More so than the inaudible grunts and shouts heard by Link, Zelda, and Gannon during the previous two installments of the chibi Japanese, godless franchise.

So, what I guess I'm trying to say is: Ice, which do you prefer in a woman, big breasts or a nice ass? And no, you can't say "both".

Ice replies: Man oh man ... not quite sure what to say about this one. I think some of our fans will have something to say, though ... "prepubescent teens", sound off!

Ice: I hope this edition gave you something to think about.

Have something to say? E-mail the editor at sillychillyman@myself.com. We'll probably print your letter. We'll print anything.