June 27th, 2003
This edition is covering some letters about our new friend Drefan Rahl. He's really turned a few heads.
Not only that, but we have a brand new letter from him. Hope you guys enjoy.
Keep e-mailing us at email@example.com. We love hearing from you.
Andy writes: drefan rahl is a loser. he thinks he is funny but he is not. long live andy
Ice replies: Right.
Chaz adds: Yup.
Vyctori writes: You know, I'm beginning to wonder what's going on with Zelda Spirit. It's attracting idiots, perverts, and sexist morons by the dozens. Do I even have to say how wrong, gender-biased, xenophobic, and racist Drefan Rahl is? He's single-handedly proven that the human race is in the process of de-evolving. That letter was quite possibly the most sickening and immature thing I've ever read. Now who's a "prepubescent teen"? By making fun of people suffering from Down's Syndrome and alcoholism, Drefan Rahl is just diplaying his ignorance, insensitivity, and the fact that he is both a misogynist and lesbophobic. I've already submitted a rant about sexism so I won't delve into the subject at this time.
About Rahl's xenophobia and his comments on the French people: Je veux dire maintenant que vous insultez un peuple très intélligent qui ont fait beaucoup de contributions important à notre société. Salaud.
I don't know why I'm wasting my time trying to point out the incredible amount of things that were wrong with that letter. Idiots like him never learn. All I can say is, that if Drefan Rahl really is a deity, then the human race is doomed.
Ice replies: Thanks for the letter, Vyctori. I always enjoy your letters.
I don't think you're alone in your opinion of Drefan Rahl ... many people feel the way that you do.
Chaz adds: This guy is pissing off Zelda Spirit's women left and right. I'd love to see him make a speech on Lifetime or Women's Entertainment.
Sarah writes: Tell me where Drefan Rahl lives so I can kill him.
Ice replies: Hey now ... none of that.
And now, for the moment we've all been waiting for ...
Drefan Rahl writes: I am writing once again to the frozen man himself to tell all of my readers that I appreciate the sudden outpour of love and support for my editorial letters. Every last one of you who sent in an email regarding my conjectures as to the voices of Link, Zelda, Gannon, and crew have served only to boost my confidence, raise my self esteem, and strengthen the convictions by which I write. From the noblest of you (ohnoimgoingtodieeeee) to the most uncultured (Andrea), your responses have indeed proven that my messages have been received and have as a result started the peanut rolling in your tiny little heads that some would call a brain. You have proven that I am NOT some plebian doomed to be forgotten the minute you read my writings. You have proven that I am NOT like Andy; some moronic jester or fool, to encourage a mere second's laugh from the court that is Zeldaspirit.com only to be ultimately forgotten ten seconds later.
With your limited knowledge and wisdom you have easily discerned that between the two of us, you have taken note that I am the master and he the worm. Nay, he is not even a worm.
He is the lowest of the low, ranking even below the animals that slither through dirt and fecal matter, because, as you can see, HE IS DIRT, HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN FECES ON THE BOTTOM OF MY BOOT. Andy's name bears absolutely no rememberance whatsoever and, thus, from this point on, he will be refered to in this letter and future letters only by the title of "Stumpy".
Why has Stumpy become the target of my first agressive letter you ask? What has HE done to encourage my righteous wrath? How could that ultimately forgettable peasant fall under my at lordly attention when I am obviously so much greater than he? Well, I'll tell you why: because in the last edition of letters, he was called upon by Ice, the chilly one himself, to rise up and defend his title as Zelda Spirit's Resident Master of the Inane. Master of the Inane being a title I have created for the art which I produce on a biweekly basis for the letters column here and for other places. When I initially read the entry, I simply had to laugh. As snickering soon turned to convulsions of laughter, several questions began to echo through my mind: "This fool, this court jester, has been the best Zelda Spirit has had to offer for as long as there's been a letters section; The Residen tMaster of the Inane, is an oafish, immature child, and HE is going to DEFEND his title?
And just how would he anyway? Is his barely intelligible dribble supposed to stand up to my command of the English language?" No, I say. He is not in the same ball park, league, or even sport as me. Thus I declare I that I am the first of my kind to grace THIS particular incarnation of IZC since Drizzt left the old one behind long ago. He was the first, I am the LAST, and Stumpy is simply not fit to bear our mantle.
A few words come to mind when I think of Stumpy, and they are as follows: dunce, ass, birdbrain, blockhead, bonehead, boob, buffoon, dimwit, dodo, dolt, dope, drip, duffer, dullard, dumbbell, dunderhead, fool, goof, goon, half-baked half-wit, idiot, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, knucklehead, lame-brain, lightweight, lout, lunkhead, moron, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, numskull, oaf, pinhead, scatterbrain, schmuck, schnook, simpleton, spaz, stoop, twit, cretin, dingbat, dummy, goose, loser, muttonhead, retard, mental defective, simp, stupid, tomfool, and finally, "special" as I'm sure he prefers to be called; and by "special", I am referring to the window lickers-that-ride-the-short-bus-to-school kind of special.
But hasn't he provided some entertainment to the site in the past, you ask? Hasn't he fulfilled a rather weak quota by providing a snort and a chuckle maybe once every two or three months? Well, depending on your expectations for the "site idiot" as you prefer to call him, I guess you could be relatively satisfied with his ignorant comments, immature claims, and self indulgent posturing. However, by now, all of you are surely sick of him and all of his garbage. With each post he grows increasingly more moronic, decreasingly appealing in entertainment value, and far less original. For instance, inn his last email to the site he wrote: "oh no myyspel chik browk help meee". To which ye olde chillster replied with a paltry two word reply ("I can't); this being far more than what the childdeserved.
Obviously, the message was an attempt at humor. A poor attempt. A childish, immature attempt. A failed attempt. There wasn't one detail in that sentence that was even remotely funny, but I'm sure he rolled around in his crib for hours, laughing at what he assumed to be a witty satire of the current, sad state of our nation's public school system. Even worse than that, the premise behind the joke was fatally flawed. The little idiot never once took into account the fact that spell check has absolutely nothing to do with correcting capitalization or punctuation errors. In fact, every single one of Stumpy's letters contains some glaring grammatical error despite the fact that his longest email was a paragraph in length AT MOST, leading me to believe that he might have literally had a problem with his spell check and was asking his idol to help him with the pitiful state of his 300 mhz Premio PC. Now the thought of that DOES make me chuckle.
Now, to reiterate what I have said above. I, Imperial Master Drefan Rahl, Resident Master of the Inane for Zelda Spirit, am so far above the"site idiot" known as Stumpy (aka Andy) on the evolutionary ladder that we are not truly even on the same plane of existance. I dwell among the upper echelon of God's creations, among the civilized homo sapiens that walk on two legs and use their brains to solve life's problems, while Stumpy is on the lowest plane of existance, carving out his bleak existance by slithering through dirt and eating mankind's dung (like the worm). When at his best and brightest, Stumpy is promoted from the status of worm to the status of a penis afflicted with syphilis, but thats as high as he's ever been and ever will be. So this is where the two of us stand (as far apart as that may be)...and I'm also betting that the entirety of the message has been lost on most of you prepubescent children. So to reiterate...wait, I mean to summarize...hmm...how shall I explain what I've just said so that the mass majority of you so that everyone can understand it? Alright, here'sthe easiest way to say it. I'm better than he is in just about every imaginable way. Get it? Got it? Good.
Now, with that touchy issue well out of the way, allow me to move onto a new section of my letters devoted to compliments and insults hurled my way. This will probably prove to be the most stimulating and certainly the most gratifying segment of my letters now. In this section, I will personally pick apart every last bit of the letter and get to the "meat" of it if you will.
The first recorded praise of mwah at Zelda Spirit came as the third letter in the June 18th edition:
"ohnoimgoingtodieeeee writes: Four words: Drefan Rahl is GOD."
Chill man. I'm just a messenger. If you want to be a messenger of the TRUTH as my kind see it, in order to be more like me, simply get yourself a bath robe, some teddy bear bedroom slippers, four boxes of Ritz Crackers, and a tv with the following channels: HBO, Starz, Fox News, CNN, IFC, AMC, TCM, BRAVO, E!, Comedy Central, and Cartoon Network. Once you have compiled all of those elements and consumed everything each has to offer for a period of up to six months you have but to find a PC of some sort with an internet connection in order to PREACH THE MESSAGE, BROTHER!
The next email I received was rather harsh, but obviously fully appreciated as the person sending it in not only took the time to read the full extent of my message, but was so absorbed by it, so enthralled with the ideas presented, that she literally took the time to send me an email ofher own.
"Andrea writes: That letter by Drefan Rahl made me sooo MAD! I have a few things to say to him!"Staring into the sky is not "homosexual" or "pathetic". There is something wrong with you if you think so! The sky is beautiful, and you need to learn to love nature!
"There is something wrong with you if you want a blow job from an elf princess. What's wrong, you can't find any real girls?
"Why are you talking about "big breasts" and "nice asses" on a Zelda site? Zelda is a kids game. Go play Tomb Raider!
"I have a lot more to say, I'm just too mad to say it!"
Wait wait wait. "The sky is beautiful?" I need "to learn to love nature?"
Well, I don't really know what to say to that other than those words were spoken like a true Planeteer (I'm sure some of you have at least seen one episode of the God awful cartoon series known as Captain Planet and the Planeteers). It is very QUEER and PATHETIC to stare off into the sky when there is nothing to stare at. What? Do you seriously expect me to spend a whole day just sitting on my ass staring off into a vast expanse of nothing and saying "Gee, the sky is beautiful and I really love nature"? Get real.
I'm not going to go out of my way to stare at the sky unless
A) There is a massive electrical storm heading my way and I'm in the middle of an open field, or
B) The sun suddenly happens to explode, reigning fire and death from above in tremendous showers of yellow-red agony.
Your second question was worded rather rudely, don't you think? I can find real girls, and more importantly can GET real girls. The point in case being that I think every man in the world would really like to get his Johnson sucked by royalty at least once in his life. Do you seriously realize what kind of bedtime story it would make to tell your grandchildren that the (by then) wrinkled thing in your pants and a Princess's ruby red lips around it, pulsing and sucking, and licking it like the straw to a vanilla milk shake? It would make an AWESOME bed time story, and one they wouldn't be likely to forget...ever.
And finally, I was not "talking" about big breasts and nice asses as they pertain to Zelda. I was asking Ice's own professional opinion on the matter as it pertains to real life. An opinion which he has not given, but I'll adress that at a later date. And yes, many of you have proven to me time and time again that Zelda is, in fact, and always will be a kids game. Its fan base consists mostly of people like Stumpy so I, along with most rational thinkers, will never be able to ignore that fact. However, Tomb Raider is a 13 yr old boy's game. A game designed for those of low intellect as well as for the extremely horny. I do not get my jollies from polygons, I get them from flesh. I hope you will take note of that in the future before making anymore foolish comments.
Also, before I forget...watch out with the constant anger, you just might have an annurism.
And that finishes me off for this edition. So until then, keep your pants up and your ass covered, because Stumpy's on the prowl!
Ice replies: And there you have it. There's not much I can reply to that ... it pretty much speaks for itself.
Also ... I think this letter wins the award for "longest letter ever". Nice job.
Ice: I hope today's edition gave you something to think about. Or, at least made you mad enough or something to write in.
Have something to say? E-mail the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. We'll probably print your letter. We'll print anything.