March 27th, 2003
Guess what kids? The unthinkable has happened. We have received a letter requesting a picture of Zelda in her "swimsuit". Yeah, that's right.
I'm sure some of you have a comment on this. Let us know. We'll publish your responses, unless you request for us not to.
linkgannon64 writes: do u know were i can get swimsuit picures of zelda? ur site doent have any
Ice replies: Yeah, you're darn right our site doesn't have any. And no, I don't know where you can get them. Why don't I know? Because I don't want to know.
Dixon suggests: If you'd like to contribute some swimsuit pics to the site, you can forward them to email@example.com. I'll be evaluating them all extensively as possible additions to the site.
Leia writes: you're site has a nice design and it feels like a zelda game (gimme free rubies hahaha) so tell me if you need any pictures b/c i have like 200. also tell me if you want some music b/c i have a lot of that too. anything else you need i can find as well.
Ice replies: Thanks for the compliment, and thanks for the offer. We have tons of Zelda pictures actually (soon we will be THE LARGEST source of Majora's Mask pictures in the world, mwahahah!), and we have tons of Zelda music. Our former site, Ice's Zelda Central, had the largest collection of Zelda music on the internet, and we still have all of it on our computers. But once again, thanks for the offer.
Dixon replies: I'm glad you like the design, that's the exact feel we were going for. And hey, on your picture collection, are any of them swimsuit pictures? Apparently we don't have enough of those...
Jordan writes: From green to brown
From castle to town
Your site lives on
Through the breaking of dawn.
Keep it up!
Ice replies: That's pretty nice Jordan, thanks. And I know the site is brown now ... but on my computer it's pink. That kinda sucks. It feels like I'm running a Kirby site. Not that I would have a problem with running a Kirby site ... or anything ...
Dixon blurts out: http://kirbyscloud.trip... why are you looking at me like that, Ice?
jerrycat writes: ur updates have exploded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ice replies: Uh ... yeah ...
Dixon replies: Well watch for next week, when our updates will jump off a 50 foot bridge and live!
Ice: I ended this a little short today because I'd like to talk to all of you about something. I realize that many of you are young. I realize that many of you are young and male. I realize that many of you are young and male and horny. And you know what? That's ok. That's human nature and stuff. But I also realize that many of you (most of you) are young, male, horny, and don't have a girlfriend. Oh, that can be a terrible thing. No one knows that better than you. And don't worry. Your day will come. Someday. Eventually. Maybe. Probably not. But still, listen to what I have to say.
Just because you're young, and male, and horny, and have no girlfriend, doesn't give you a good excuse to e-mail us asking for pictures of Zelda in her bathing suit. I know you like her videogame. And I know that she's the closest thing to a female that has ever looked at you. But listen. It's not right. It's just not. I'm sorry guys, but I can't let you see the princess in her bathing suit. I hope you can understand.
Many of you are probably angry at me for this. That's understandable. I can't comprehend the depths of your loneliness. I know it hurts to be alone guys. And I know you like looking at pretty women. But you know what? Zelda isn't a woman. she doesn't even really look like one. Women aren't made out of polygons. They're made out of curves. Now, I know you might not believe me about that. Your mother's curvy days are probably long gone, and she's the only woman you see regularly. But you're just gonna have to trust me on this one guys. Zelda isn't a real woman. She's a fictional character created by a Japanese man who rides his bike to work. And I'm not being racist ... that's the truth. She's just a mesh of lines that takes up a little slice of memory. You can't put real women on a disk guys.
My advice to those of you who still want "swimsuit Zelda" is pretty drastic, and it will hurt a lot, but it's for your own good. Take your mouse. Go to the bottom left corner where it says "Start". Click the button. Now go to Turn off Computer. Click it. It's probably going to be shocked as hell, and ask you if that's really what you want to do. Be brave. Hit OK. Now stand up. Wipe your eyes. And go outside.
There, was that so hard? Apparently it was, because you're still reading this. I mean it. Go outside. Go find yourself a real-life "swimsuit Zelda". And if you STILL don't want to do that ... at least try to stop sending me letters about it.
Don't say I never tried to help you.
Dixon wipes a tear: That was deep man.
...or you could just turn up the refresh rate on your monitor. It makes it just like being there.
Have a something to say? E-mail the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. We'll probably print your letter. We'll print anything.