By John Carmack
[Editor's Note: Just for the record...this is *NOT* the same John Carmack as the one you may know as the head of Id Software. Or as I like to call him...The Ayatollah of First-Person Shooterollahs. Or...not. This is in fact, the same John Carmack you my recognize as a frequent visitor of IZC's message board and webmaster of The Miscellaneous Page.]
Hello, folks. Carmack here, writing to cure my insomnia. Since things like this tend to drive my brain into reverse backwards flip-side neutral overdrive, it may get a little crazy. Hide the cheese and secure your chickens in the backyard before proceeding. I'll wait.
Okay, now that we've gotten rid of the idiots who thought they really had to hide their chickens from text on a computer screen, we can get on to the real content of this editorial. Now, you may wonder why I wanted to get rid of the people who felt that they needed to hide their chickens, but my only answer to that is this: "Hey, is that your loose chicken over there?" As you turn your head to make sure your chicken isn't loose, I grab your pants and run for the hills. In your anger at such a mockery of your pants, you chase after me. But, you don't get very far because you trip on one of your loose chickens. I get away, and not only do I have your pants, but you just tripped over a chicken and got a facefull of dirt. As you move to get up, the chicken jumps up and knocks its head squarely into your midsection. And so, you lie on the ground, pants-less, humiliated, and bruised in the stomach by a chicken. The moral of this story? Never leave your pants unguarded.
Hey, I don't know if any of you have ever noticed, but Maniacal Clown doesn't have a name. He's just a Maniacal Clown. He's not Bobbo or Bozo or even Jeff. Have you ever met a clown named Jeff? I think a clown named Jeff would have to be a very funny clown since he didn't have some funny clown name. Of course, the fact that he doesn't have a funny clown name is funny in and of itself, so maybe he wouldn't have to be all that funny. I don't really know, but I don't think I'd want to meet Jeff the Clown. He would probably have a bad attitude after losing his pants and getting beaten up by a chicken.
In conclusion, I have always wanted a hairnet.