What if Gaiden is a Flop?

By Belgarath

Yup, you read that title correctly.  Chances are you weren't thinking of this possibility were you?  Well listen for a moment.  Many people believe that Zelda Gaiden is the best possible game that will ever come out for the Nintendo 64.  Now, I am not doubting the fact, and honestly believe that Zelda Gaiden WILL be one of the best games for the N64, but I am here to give you a worst possible scenario.  Hey, someone's got to do it, in the unfortunate situation that it actually could happen... So now, unleash your mind from all you see in a good video game and prepare for "The Legend of the Zelda: The Discontinued Saga..."
      The first part of the game that is always the most noticeable is the graphics. 

Well, when you started your new Zelda Gaiden cartridge, the first thing you realized was the opening "cinema."  A crayon-drawn Link and Epona are riding through the forest when t! his thing that looks like a deformed Krusty the Clown jumps in front of it.  By now, you are keeling over in a huddled drooling ball because the cinema scene resembles South Park more than The Legend of Zelda.  You try and push start, but are forced to watch the entire cinema.  After that horror is over, you are taken to the "title screen," which for all intents and purposes is really a piece of looseleaf paper with "Gaiden" written on it in childish hand-writing.  Then you start the game. Link is composed of 3 green pixels moving through a blue background fighting 2 pixel black monsters (and the pixels are 1 cm large!). 

      Then you get to hear the "music," or more appropriately refered to as 57 cats all scratching there claws across a blackboard at the same time.  Add some off-key background vocalists and you've got the soundtrack for the overworld.  The underworld theme is a bit different.  Imagine an o! rchestra tuning.  There you go, the dungeon theme!  Oh, and you must add an obnoxious section of violins (playing the accompaniment), struggling to play louder then everyone else, while the flutes with the melody were barely letting out any notes.  Those are the only two tracks in the game, save the ending track, which is really just these two themes at the same time.

      We are forgetting one important part of playing a video game: controls.  Now, someone at Nintendo got the bright idea of not implementing any of the A, B, or C buttons.  Instead you jump with the Z-button (that's right you can jump now), but to move Link around the screen, you must use the control PAD.  To use your sword you have to push the L and R buttons at the same time.  The control stick is used for controlling flight in different forms of the masks.  The only problem is that the controls are so precise that you might end up jumping i! nto a ceiling of spikes when just trying to use your sword.  You see, if you press only the L or R button and do not synchronize them, it allows for a bug that the testers didn't pick up.  (testers? what testers?)  You see, instead of using your sword, Link does a double-back flip into what ever monster is nearby.  And for some reason, it has this tendency to always jump into the most dangerous monster, or leap over a cliff. 

      Then there are the cameras...  it is very difficult to attack a boss if the camera is behind the boss' head!  And unlike the newly released Jet Force Gemini game, the figure does NOT become transparent when the camera is too close.  Have you ever tried aiming an arrow into the monster's eye from the monster's point of view?  Let me tell you.. it is not an easy task!  And how about trying to jump over moving platforms if the camera keeps rotating at lightning fast speeds w! ithout any sign of slowing down? I spent 36 hours on that one level alone.
      Speaking of levels, there are 2 of them.  The light dungeon and the dark dungeon.  The light dungeon consists of 62 miles of dungeon to explore.  It took me well over 5 months to complete.  The dark dungeon was a bit different.  I walked in and there was Ganon... all 16 pixels of him.  It took me 5 hours to defeat him... mainly because the game randomly crashes here and there everytime you come close to beating him. 

      When I finally did defeat the prince of darkness however, the Triforce appeared on the screen... and then flew up into the heavens.  You can see the pixels of Link chasing that yellow trail of 5 pixels into the heavens.  And then when the game is over and you watch the ending (50 minutes of credits) one thing appears at the very end of the game:

 "Hope you enjoyed it!"
   -Ariana A.

      Well, we can all safely say that this probably will NOT happen, but you can be glad that we will not be receiving a game like this from the people over at Nintendo.  And you can all be glad about that.  Now, maybe people will stop complaining that Gaiden may not be too good because of the supposedly integrated time limit.  Hey, that's not nearly as bad as what you just read now is it?

 As usual, questions and comments go to goldenpower3@yahoo.com